You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get from working hard, doing a good job, and feeling a sense of self-actualization? Me neither. We can safely conclude that I am in a slump. In the past 5 days, I
- Turned 36.
- Made two doctors mad.
- One of whom swore at me in case I didn't get the point.
- Went 8 hours without peeing when I needed to. That IS as unpleasant as it sounds.
- Cleaned blood off my shoes several times in one shift.
- Slept a total of 9 hours betwixt and between three shifts.
- Found out I may not be going to change shifts as promised (per gossip, not per boss, though).
- Looked stupid more frequently than usual as a result of patients telling doctors a completely different story than they've told me (I HATE THIS).
Then, like a total dumbass, I checked Facebook, on which a friend had a thread in which someone (her friend, not mine) bashed nurses. Apparently, none of us can be trusted. We sit around waiting for the chance to make a crapton of money keeping people alive when they'd rather be let to peacefully die. I couldn't let it go. I mean seriously. We don't make any more or less money from coding someone versus not: this is ridiculous. We don't make those decisions at ALL. With how exhausted I was, largely from group superhuman efforts to save lives intermingled with my codependent habit of allowing patient emotions to suck me dry when I'm tired, it was just the wrong time. You'd think after growing up on the Internet I would be able to resist entering a flame war, but you'd be wrong. I tried to be educational about it and use "me" speech. "I consider it a very important part of my job to advocate for patients and families," etc.
But it finally just pissed me off. I can't control what people think, particularly people I've never even met, but between the yelling at work and the virtual bullshit on Facebook I was about to sob with frustration at the thanklessness this job can entail. I don't expect a chorus, a banner, or extensive back-patting, but a lack of being sworn at and having my entire profession bashed would be nice. Also, my educational efforts failed, and this friend-by-proxy on Facebook now probably thinks---and I use that term loosely---that nurses are not only lazy and money-grubbing but also argumentative, if bizarrely witty and articulate while being so. I, who feel so strongly that nurses need to accurately and positively present our profession to the public, FAILED. Because...I hate to break it to the blogosphere, but I do stuff wrong sometimes.
Needless to say, I need a few days off. I am having the feeling I sometimes get that no one in their right mind would choose this profession and I should find something else to do. I think they call that "burnout."