It's all relative, but

  • I'm horribly depressed because I've always loved the holidays and this year I can't. I have one string of lights up and memories of buying a crapton of holiday decorations with my ex-husband and being super happy about it. WE'RE BUILDING MEMORIES. Well, that didn't work out. This is the first year in decades that I haven't sat around a Christmas tree at night listening to Christmas music and feeling happy. I don't listen to Christmas music at all because I remember being happy about it before and it makes me sadder. Pathetic!
  • I am stuck in another panic battle. I am always a nervous wreck to some degree, but at times it becomes almost incapacitating, and I'm pinwheeling near the edge of the precipice. DECIDING not to succumb to all-out panic is probably like deciding not to vomit. It works for a while sometimes, but at some point you do it anyway.
  • My shift is killing me. Killing me. I remain baffled as to why, suddenly, night shift is making me feel like a zombie, but bafflement or no, that's how it is. I stalk around with hot, dry eyes feeling heavy all over. It's like prodromal flu mixed with jet lag.

When I feel like this, I try to keep front and center the stuff like

  • I have a good job. I like my job. I'm good at my job.
  • I'm lucky to have a warm apartment in which to hang my single strand of colored lights.
  • I am more fortunate than probably 99% of the world's population, all told, when you get down to it.
  • To my knowledge, I am pretty healthy, barring unknown cancers and suchlike.

It's all relative. So many things come down to perception and attitude, both of which become increasingly difficult to maintain positively when you're physically or emotionally compromised. Both of which I am, and they're related, and I'm inexplicably awake early in the morning unable to sleep and I work tonight and tomorrow night. I feel doomed. I MAY be blowing things out of proportion, eh?