I am in a bad mood. I am thinking maybe things just won't get better. Things have been difficult for a good 6 months now, and I keep saying to myself, "It's temporary! No one can have bad luck and feel this way forever!" Today I'm thinking, maybe I should just accept that I'm going to feel miserable forever. As soon as something seems to be getting better, it develops a twist or turn or something else pops up to take away the "better." No matter how many times I get up after being knocked down, I get kicked in the face and am down again. I am constantly thinking, "Really, god? Really?" If I just accepted that this is how it's going to be, perhaps it would be less stressful. Call it depression, pessimism, or realism, I don't care. It just feels like too much energy is required to get up every day trying to work up optimism and hope only to have it stomped on. It feels like it would be easier to EXPECT things to go wrong. That would at least take away the energy necessary to deal with struggling against it.
After a few months of this energy vampirism, it doesn't take much to crush me. Today I woke up with the dog puking all over my apartment, and that's enough lately to make me feel totally doomed for this 24-hour period. I am able to see all the things in my life that should be good, but they all come with a dark and painful side. I have the job I've always wanted, but I could lose it at any time and am clearly not welcome there. Stress. My dad's health is better for the moment, but his neuropathy is progressing to the point he fears he won't be able to use his hands soon---life at what cost to him? Stress. I accumulated some really good friends in the last few months, and the closest one married someone who hates me so I can't see her, which is extremely painful to me. Stress. I have achieved some success with publication and photography, but at the cost of sleep and peace of mind. Stress. I could go on endlessly because I'm self-obsessed and depressed, but I'll spare you.
There just doesn't seem to be any arena of my life that is not overcast with the shadow of the grim reaper. Perhaps I just should just cozy up to the reaper. Sort of the principle where you can't argue successfully with someone not arguing back. Perhaps adopting an attitude of doom would cheer me up, because that way if something DIDN'T go wrong, I'd be pleasantly surprised.
Something has to give. I am exhausted with the effort of trying to make things seem shinier than they are. I just deleted an apology for my downer post…it's my blog, and I can be down if I want. I can't be the only one who feels this way. People read blogs partially to identify with the writer. It's raining shit in my life, and that's just how it is. I'm moving on anyway. One foot in front of the other, right?