I think I'm depressed. I am used to being a nervous wreck, but so much to being depressed. This thing I remembered about my college professor is really fucking with me. I am stunned. It's not just him. It's the other professor who knew and didn't do anything, and because she was a huge champion of women, speaking out against rape and violence, I wonder why was it OK for me to be attacked?
The more I think about it, and I can't stop thinking about it, the more I see how so many of my major adult bugaboos explode out of that time. The voices that tell me "you are a bad person, you are not worthy of being loved," and so on...yeah. Those are bad voices.
It's good because maybe I can quit hearing them now that I remember where they started, but I'm really pissed off. Now I see why LITTLE girls who are sexually abused are totally messed up by it. It is the power and emotional hijacking that does that damage, and I'm sure my case was not unique in that the guy dressed all that up in making me feeling special and giving me a lot of attention. It doesn't feel abusive at the time.
Now it does. I've been in bed for 2 days and it's good I have to get up and work for 3 nights because that will probably snap me out of it. I just couldn't get up. My dishes aren't washed. I finally did my laundry but only because I needed to for work. I lay in bed physically feeling like the column of air above me was HEAVY. I kept throwing the covers back and saying, "Up we go!" and lying there anyway. That sounds like textbook depression. I don't care for it. I hope it leaves quickly.
I hope I'm not just lying feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel like I am. I am spending a lot of time trying to untangle blame and shame for a lot of things in the last few decades, but in many cases I'm reassigning blame and not taking responsibility for every single thing that has ever gone wrong in my life. I'm landed on the side of possibly I am NOT that awful of a person, which should be positive. But I feel like if I think about any of this any more I will scream.