I've been lying around for 48 hours sick, which gave me plenty of time to wonder why I am sick. I am also approaching overweight and never have any energy even when I am not sick. I'm often depressed and angry. Why? I'm well enough to return to work tonight and I dread it. Why? I picked this. I wasn't drafted.
For some reason, and I think it's bad burnout, I've gone from seeing work as an open arena for opportunity to seeing it as a dismal stretch of 12 hours that I must endure with superhuman effort. Why? That's career vs. job. I really belive this difference is what made me sick (that and some bad Asian fusion food). I believe this because while I laid around I mostly just thought about work. I didn't think about getting better or going to the doctor or anything other than I felt miserable and to top things off at some point I'd get better and have to go back to work. That is ridiculous.
Even if it is "just a job," heck---that's nothing to sneeze at. I came it from a hundred different ways trying to work up a different perspective or some gratitude or something, but I just can't. It is sad to admit, but the best solution I found was "quit trying so hard." Now I know how nurses get to be mean and uncaring. There it is. They were where I am right now and the only way they could keep going to work and doing this was to stop trying. Because if you're not TRYING, you aren't as upset and hurt when your efforts are thrown in your face.
I don't want to be like that. Yet it seems daft to come at it like "yay! I'm going to work to work my butt off, be a punching bag, and get yelled at by ungrateful, angry people! Can't wait!"
The 37 hours a week I'm at work have taken over the many others than I am not, and I'm absolutely convinced my body is taking a hit. Something's gotta give. And yes, I'm in therapy. My therapist covers his eyes and shrinks down in the chair over the stuff he's supposed to be helping handle secondary trauma about. Meh.
They told us about this in nursing school. I remember it clearly. I also remember that in the next stage, I will figure out how to handle this and emerge a better nurse and happier, healther person. THAT STAGE CAN COME ANY TIME.