Evidently, at some point I evolved from being a nervous wreck to being a rock. I don't know when it happened; I don't know how it happened. It is largely an external change. Having pondered it, I conclude that if one is a nursing supervisor in any capacity, it is absolutely necessary.
Why these deep thoughts? An emergency occurred at work. A real one, not the doctor-deputy emergencies. As such, nobody saw it as one at first. It involved an ambulance, yelling, and ass-chewing (mine was the one being chewed), as any good emergency does. They're always someone else's fault, aren't they?
Anyway, I handled it (I not-so-secretly LIKE actual emergencies) and trudged back to medical, where I reported to my staff what had occurred, including the comment to me "Miss Megen, you just don't seem upset enough about this." I responded I had years of ER experience and saw no percentage in getting worked up; another person said "ah, you're jaded, then." I said "no, experienced." I mention that because it is one of my rare good comebacks that came to mind in time to say.
My staff said variations of "I'd hate to see what WOULD make you freak out. I've never seen you even, at all, get upset."
I thought, what? I storm around in my head all day long! Apparently I've grown up a bit. I've grown as a nurse as well, because truly I have taken my deliberate outward calm inside; you think better that way. I now have an emergency channel in my head I can switch to because that is what the PATIENT needs.
That was interesting feedback. You never really have an accurate impression of how others see you.
Another note: said staff got me a really nice sympathy card because my dad is, well, headed toward the light. I was really touched. It wasn't one of the ones admin buys and makes everyone sign. They actually all wrote things they put thought into.
Final note: I feel odd every time I say "my staff." It feels patronizing, as if they're MINE. I don't really know another phrase, plus I feel...protective of them. Someone has to direct the ship, and somehow I got handed the radio, and I feel like I'll be damned if anyone drowns.
Strange strange things happen to you when you supervise people. I'm not even kidding.