I have read a lot of posts about the technicalities of dealing with being fired: how to discuss this with future employers, how to look outside the box, and so on.
I don't see a lot of dealing with the shame.
Being fired implies you did something really, really bad. Doing really, really bad things generally causes shame. I didn't do anything bad. Aside from regular human error that afflicts all nurses, I didn't even do anything wrong. But I have developed such shame about being terminated that I have isolated.
I do not want to see anyone because last they heard, all I talked about was how much I absolutely loved my new job. So they will ask how it's going, and I'll have to say they fired me, and that hurts twice: once because I got fired, and once because I did love it and don't have it anymore. I really miss those kiddos.
My therapist suggested I just get really angry to carry me through, but although I am angry, it's more theoretical. I am depressed. It is actually a loss when something like this happens, and no one talks about it like that. I lost something big: a job I liked enough that I looked forward to going to it. And I lost it for some pretty janky reasons, which means in my head that, forever, I will never settle into liking a job because I could be fired again with no warning. I used to think as long as I wasn't getting negative feedback, warnings, writeups, and so on, I was "safe." That's totally wrong.
That idea is a big, big loss.
If a modifiable behavior causes you to lose a job, you can change the behavior. Being a pawn in the sway of uncontrollable forces is a different ballgame. So explain to me why I feel such shame at something I didn't even do. This is high-level codependency, I suppose...I am ashamed about stuff other people did, AND I'm deciding beforehand what my friends will think about the whole situation.
Still. People should talk about this stuff. So, being who I am, I am going to talk about it.
I'm a great nurse. I do a fantastic job. I got fired. There you are. I'm not going to hide my head anymore.
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