How to NOT solicit help from me

I get a lot of e-mails, most of which tell me I owe money, have to spend a lot of time on something, or have created some mess that I have to clean up. A very very small number are from people I want to correspond with. The remainder are evenly divided between spam and blog spam. I've already blogged about how the same thing happens every morning: namely, I wake up and check my e-mail, get mad, and start my day cranky. From the commentary I received I have to assume that I am not alone with this ridiculous habit. It is even more ridiculous because I feel surprised every day that I am irritated by my e-mails. E-mail-checking amnesia should be a new diagnosis.

Anyway, I woke up this morning and immediately checked my e-mail and got annoyed. For sport, I will share the source of my annoyance, with commentary.

Step by step: annoy the ever-living crud out of bloggers

The intro

Hello! [Is this how we start business e-mails now?]

I tried to find your name on your blog-but was not successful. [You did not. My stalkers find it all the time with barely any effort. Also, you used a hyphen instead of a comma.] Here is the request. [You start off with a rebuke and then say you want something from me? Right away my answer is going to be no.]

Tell me your problems

I am a freelance business writer who has been given the assignment of interviewing via email five of the best authors of nurse blogs in the United States. [Does it say anywhere that my job is to help people with their assignments? No.]

Lie to me

We are impressed by your blog and want to learn more about you and your career path. [We? Is this psychosis or the royal "we"? Also, flattery will get you nowhere. Bloggers are so used to link-baiting sites and similar that our eyes glaze over at this point.]

Tell me your needs

Here is how the interview would work, if you choose to participate.  I will compile 7-10 questions and send them to you via email in Word format.  I need a reasonably quick turnaround for deadline, but I can work with you on details. [You NEED? This whole demand and need thing is...ugh. Work on this detail: generally when you want something from someone, you provide some incentive. "I need you to do help me with my assignment," I apparently need to clarify, is NOT an incentive.]

Tell me to respond RIGHT NOW

Please let me know if you can participate at this time so that we can begin. [Require more action from me. Right now. RIGHT NOW.]
Best Regards,
Name Deleted

Confirm you never looked at my blog

P.S. Your interview will be published within two weeks and a photo will be appreciated to enhance the interview.  If you do decide to participate please supply your name, and the blog you author. [If you, plural, are impressed by my blog as stated previously, it's just odd that you would need me to supply its name.]